ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
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catch me on valentine’s day like
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Thursday Thought.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.