Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
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Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
IT’S-A ME,
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.