[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
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It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Discuss
That’s easy for you to say
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?