Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
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Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Beauty and the Beast
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.