[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I have questions??
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.