Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.