Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
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[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?