This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
You are not alone 💚
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.