Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
estão todos miauvindo?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.