Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
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Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Scream sneezers need love too.