Ladies, why y’all do this?
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jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.