DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.