ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
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I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Wasps: bees, but not helping
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked