Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
a fate I wish upon no one
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”