Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
no regrets
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!