[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
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[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.