Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.