I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My wedding will be open casket.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
White Castle for the Win
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”