the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.