Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?