If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
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To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.