[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
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job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
m’lady
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.