Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
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Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
the greatest twitter interaction
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Hmmmmm
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.