If a snake ate a cake
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When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.