You Might Also Like
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.