Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
You Might Also Like
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
my favorite genre of twitter
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Realize this:
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.