What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents