Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
You Might Also Like
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Happy Star Wars day!
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol