My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
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5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
🤣😂
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first