*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.