Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
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if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”