Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
me adding lol on a serious message
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”