Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
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-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.