Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham