*Inspirational Tweets*
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{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
2 years later
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL