ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
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principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I need to get some bricks…
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .