Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
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I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.