My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
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I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Me redecorating every room in my mind
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.