My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
You Might Also Like
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
😍😂🥰😂😍
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*