Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.