Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.