“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
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Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
The news in a nutshell.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy