Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
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My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I would move hell over six inches for you
January has been Januweary
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.