Had an epiphany today.
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I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.