“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.