Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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Is this a threat?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here