fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.