I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“We will wed,” I threatened
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?