Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
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I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Realize this:
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My last name is Zilla.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔