The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
started wrapping my pills in cheese
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.